help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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