Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
