hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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