Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Two words: blizzard sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
