one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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