Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize