im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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