dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
