I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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