I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
