My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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