I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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