glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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