....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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