I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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