omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
