I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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