I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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