My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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