believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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