Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Green mimosas i think yes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
