I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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