Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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