my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
