I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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