moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
