So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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