You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
