god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
