I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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