omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
