Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
