Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
