Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just high enough for therapy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
