pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
