apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
