I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
