one word: firstdatebathroomanal
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
