A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
