I CAN MOONWALK!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
