we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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