okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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