he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
