remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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