i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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