Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
