i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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