i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i will never coherently bang her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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