naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
