she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
